Winter 2001

The INNERLIFE
A Publication of the
Pastoral Counseling Centers of Tennessee, Inc.

Partners in Caring Since 1985

One of the most difficult challenges to an adult is explaining a loss to a child. I can remember an early Sunday morning call years ago from a parent who had told her young children that their beloved cat was dead and with God. The children were very comforted by that statement; however, they were up before dawn eager to go see their cat. The sleepy mother was shocked into consciousness and asked where they got that idea. "You said Sammy was with God; so we can't wait to go to church - God's house!" I am glad I was forewarned about the upcoming drama of Sammy in God's house.

How a preschooler understands death is different from grade school children. Boys and girls differ, too. When you have to tell a child that someone has died: 1) Someone emotionally close to the child should be the one to break the news, 2) choose a location where you will not be disturbed, 3) stay with the known facts: if you don't know the facts, find out before telling the child about the death, 4) be concrete and avoid misleading terms like "he's asleep," 5) avoid phrases like "all wounds heal in time" and "everything will be all right" as the child cannot comprehend such statements, and say, "This must feel frightening (or confusing)," 6) simply be with the child and allow him/her to ask questions and answer as clearly and factually as possible. If you do not know, say so, and 7) be quiet and wait. Sometimes it takes a while for children to understand what has happened. The child also may need time to react to the news.

When a child seems to be misbehaving in the context of loss, there is a significant need to make sure that this behavior is not related to the loss. The purpose of this identification is that what the child might be doing out of loss would become more confusing or the hurt deepened if disciplined. Children, like adults, mourn in different ways. For example, when a child is sensing lack of security or fear of another loss, they may become more anxious which in turn means they might become more clinging or demanding. Anger, as well as acting out, can be the result of a child being angry at death, or God, or adults, or even themselves if they believe they are responsible in some way for the loss. If a child has increasing problems at school, the possibility is that they are having difficulties with memories, sadness, or grief. Sleep disturbance, sadness, and guilt are even seen as a result of loss in a child's life. The faith community needs to create a safe place for children to express their grief and to ask questions about God, themselves, or others who are involved in the loss. For the faith community to provide a safe place for a child to express their beliefs and feelings about loss is an important piece of the child's [and possibly family's] spiritual formation.

I am thankful to Carolyn S. Wilken and Joyce Powell from Kansas State University for the suggestions above. There is much more that could be said, but a few books that may be helpful are: Preschool Children - When Grandpa Died by Margaret Stevens, and Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley. Grade School Children (ages 8 to 10) - Grover by Vera and Bill Cleaver, and The Remembering Box by Eth Clifford: (ages 7 to 16) How It Fells When A Parent Dies by Jill Krementz, and Losing Someone You Love: When A Brother or Sister Dies by Elizabeth Richter. Adults - Children and Death by Danai Papadortos and Costas Papadoatos (eds.). Pastors - A Child's View of Grief by Alan Wolfelt.

Partners in Caring
by James R. Coffman

Any uniqueness that we enjoy in the Pastoral Counseling Centers of Tennessee is informed by our byline, We Are Partners in Caring. From our inception in 1985 we have understood our ministry to be an outreach of local congregations. Our staff members are rooted and trained in religious communities. Our Board of Directors' and our Advisory Councils' members come from our religious communities. The funds that we raise to supplement lower income persons and families come from our congregations and their members. The psychotherapy that we provide respects the persons and beliefs of our diverse religious communities.

We recognize that we are entrusted with shepherding individuals and families during times of struggle and crisis, and we work to be partners with pastoral care givers in particular congregations. We know that theological understandings have the power to increase and diminish one's experience of living, and we appreciate the tension that this provides for individuals who seek to live faithfully before God and their community. While we have no more power to control people than their congregation clergy, we do provide sanctuary for persons to consider the most important features of practical living and decision-making. For religious persons this is an ongoing process of coming to belief. While we pastoral counselors are fellow pilgrims in that process (as are you), the real provision we offer is an opportunity for persons in loss, conflict, estrangement, and anxiety to consider the presence of God in their particular experience. We would not stand in the way of attending to what their particular experience is saying.

Many of you have stood with us year after year in this enterprise; I am profoundly blessed by your trust and relationship and give thanks to God for the opportunity of working with you as a partner in caring for the people. We will provide every provision in our power to serve you and your people well. We have developed a staff with excellent clinical expertise, and the range of our services has increased substantially. With God's help and yours we will continue to grow our capacity to serve every individual, couple, family, clergy, congregation, and faith group that seeks our services. We are fully committed to being Partners in Caring-in psychotherapy and counseling, assessment, consultation, lay and clergy enrichment, clinical training, and employee assistance programming. Thank you for your trust and for opportunities to serve.

Notes

"A Partnership of Care: 2000 Contributors"

Enrichment in the Centers
The Pastoral Counseling Centers provided 78 hours of Life Enrichment and Clergy Enrichment events in area congregations in 2000. The Hendersonville First United Methodist Church provided a Care in Congregation event on "Finding Solutions in a Problem-Infested Environment" in November for all supporting congregations' clergy and staff in the Pastoral Counseling Centers. We give thanks for the First United Methodist Church and its senior minister, Mike Ripski for the hospitality offered to those attending. In 2000, the Centers offered over 50 different Life Enrichment and Clergy Enrichment events for education programs and churches in congregations and judicatories. Our 2001 Enrichment Events booklet will be coming out soon. Enrichment events are posted on the Center's website at www.PastoralCounselingCtrs.org under the heading "Programs for Congregations".

Liston Mills Recognized
Professor Liston O. Mills was recognized in the December 2000 Board meeting for 17 years of service to the Pastoral Counseling Centers of Tennessee. He was given the first Board Member Emeritus recognition. Dr. Mills, a professor of Pastoral Theology and Counseling at Vanderbilt Divinity School for 38 years, is a founding Board member of the Pastoral Counseling Centers of Tennessee.

Thanks to Our Host Congregations
One of the most important contributions to the ministry of the Pastoral Counseling Centers is the provision of facilities, utilities, and custodial services. Our Host Congregations make substantial contributions to the mission of the agency through these offerings. We give thanks to Vine Street Christian Church, Clarksville First Christian Church, Brentwood United Methodist Church, Franklin's St. Paul's Episcopal Church, Murfreesboro's First Baptist Church, the Duck River Association of Missionary Baptists, and Dr. Mary Kay Kohen in Rivergate.

With the growing demands for pastoral counseling in our communities, we have needed more office space. If your congregation is interested in providing pastoral counseling as a ministry to your area, please contact Dr. James Coffman or Stephanie Lanza Harvey.

Bruce D. Henderson Award Nominations
The Board of Directors presents the Bruce D. Henderson Award in its February meeting each year. The award is presented to a clinician for outstanding services through the organization. Letters of nomination on behalf of our clinicians should be directed to the Executive Director, who presents them to a committee of the Board.

The Power of the Internet
Our new web site links us to people in need of our services. The web site provides a broader base for individuals to become aware of the mission of PCCT. It gives professionals referral information they need. It connects congregations with educational workshops for their Wednesday and Sunday programming. But most importantly it gives information and encouragement to people looking for help and hope. We would like to make an even greater impact in Middle TN by networking with our supporting congregations' web sites. If your congregation wants to be linked with our web site contact us through the web site at contributing@PastoralCounselingCtrs.org or by telephone at 615/383-2115, ext. 23.
A link from the congregations site to our site permits congregations to highlight mission outreach and the services available to individuals inside and outside the congregation.

Employee of the Year
Stephanie Lanza Harvey, Coordinator of Development, was selected as the 2000 Employee of the Year. Stephanie, a native of Massachusetts, is a member of Glendale Baptist Church and holds a M.Div. degree from Vanderbilt Divinity School. She has completed her residency in Clinical Pastoral Education and has a bright future in Clinical Ministry. Our fundraising goals for Nashville/Brentwood were $178,500 and $112,180.00 in the outlying Centers in Middle Tennessee. In 2000 funds were raised for lower income counselees and Pastoral Counseling Training in the amount of $231.966 in Nashville/Brentwood and $84,016 in the outlying Centers. Including designated gifts the Center has raised a total of $315,932 in 2000. This was our most successful fundraising year, and Stephanie was an important part in supporting our efforts. Stephanie is married to Dr. Edward Harvey, a Vanderbilt psychiatric resident, and the couple is expecting a child in August 2001. Stephanie and Edward will be moving from Nashville in June 2001.

Welcome
We welcome both new staff and Board members into the agency. Jeff Hamilton arrives in late January and will be the new Coordinator of the Columbia Center. He will also work at the Franklin Center. Jeff is an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ. Though a native of Massachusetts he is coming to us from Ohio where he was working at a hospital based pastoral counseling center. Gilbert Roth is a Lutheran Minister who will be joining us from Washington State in February. Gil is currently working as a pastoral counselor and psychotherapist for Lutheran Social Services Kennewick. Gil will be serving in the Rivergate and Nashville Centers.
We also welcome new board members Lee Corbett, Sue Jones, Margaret Howell, Lee Ann Parham and Ken Williams. We appreciate their willingness to serve and look forward to working with each of them in the coming year.

Reclaiming the Soul - AAPC Annual Conference
The annual conference of the Association of Pastoral Counselors will be meeting in Atlanta this Spring from April 19-21. The conference will be focusing on violence in our culture with special attention given to adolescent males. A plenary session will address the question: "How effective are religious resources in responding to violence? What works and what doesn't?" A total of 36 workshops and groups will be offered during the conference to help deepen skills in the area of parish pastoral care and clinical pastoral counseling. Registration can be done through the AAPC web site (www.aapc.org).

Archived Issues:
Summer 2004
Winter 2003: Nuturing the Institution
Fall 2002
Winter 2002: Ethics In The Workplace
Fall 2001: Room for Laughter
Spring 2001: Suicide - A Loss of Hope
Winter 2001: Helping a Child Through Loss
Fall 2000: Adolescence and Substance Abuse
Summer 2000: Hospitality, A Context for Care and Healing
Spring 2000: The Cry of Anguish